It’s Almost Midnight…

And I am sitting up in my bed with pillows behind me waiting for the muscle relaxer and pain pill to kick in.

Sometime either late Monday night or early Tuesday morning I rolled over in my bed and heard a pop. I felt immediate pain in my shoulder. I fell back to sleep but when I woke up I couldn’t move my neck and I had severe shoulder blade and boob pain on the right side.

I took a couple pills and went to work because that’s what I do. I go to work and I work through the pain. Then I come home and try to rest bit.

This morning I woke up and it’s better, but not great. We went to doctor appointments and I went to work. I did what I needed to do and then I came home to rest.

I understand that’s some things need to be done and I try my best to get them done. I deal with aches and pains because that’s just part of life.  But every once in awhile my panties get bunched when I hear people tell me about how difficult their jobs are and they’re tired all the time and I have no idea what they’re going through.

While it’s true I have no idea what another person is going through but that’s a two-way street. I do know that particular individual works a job where they sit a computer, have scheduled breaks and lunches. They have a set schedule and they work 40 hours a week.

So I smile and I nod with the correct amount of compassion. Inside I’m going you self-centered  mother fucker.  Rarely do I work 40 hours a week. I don’t get to sit down on my ass to do my job. I don’t get scheduled breaks or lunches, which means sometimes I don’t eat until 8 at night. And I missed out on a whole lot of stuff because I don’t have a set schedule.

So I stop and take a few deep breaths and I start looking at things from another perspective. The what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger side of things. I start to feel lucky,  strong, and Independent.  I also know that if something happened and my whole life changed tomorrow I could roll with it because every single day I just roll with it.

I’m not even sure where I was going with this entry and that could be because of the pain pills.  I guess it comes down to life is hard for everybody and I have the choice of being compassionate and going on with my life or being a douche. I think I’m going to go with compassionate. We seem to have a lot of douches out there.

 

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April Showers…

The quote is April showers bring May flowers. But April for many of those I love has been a month of tears due to so much loss.  Mothers,  Father’s, brothers and sisters passed leaving broken hearts.

The big question is why?  For me I am a believer we are here for a limited time and move on.  The question was raised is why some so young leaves us so early and some are blessed with long lives.  I believe we are here as long as someone here needs us.  Some people stay longer to help more people.  Others their time is short because they helped who they were meant to.

Does that sound naive?  Does it sound simple?  Does it sound like bullshit to you?  That’s ok.  Because everyone has their own way of thinking.    I choose to believe I am here to help. People and animals.  And I don’t believe I am alone in that.  Just look around ne.  Surrounded by amazing and caring people and furry gifts of love.

I have my Angels right here with me every day.  I call them family and friends.

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April Fools Day

Good afternoon from the Casa.  I hope wherever you are you have some sunshine in your life.  It is Monday and my day off.  I am waiting for David to get off the phone to see what we are doing next.  Is it the movies?  Netflix and chill?  Or some other adventure.  Days off are rare.  Especially days off that aren’t filled with appointments or that I am just to tired to even think.

The house is decorated for Easter and I am starting to plan Easter Day dinner.  I think I am going to make my Momma’s lasagna, some garlic bread, salad and deviled eggs.  Keep it simple because it may just be dinner for two and that is fine.  But I am inviting family and friends.

Work is going ok.  We got some paperwork for a potential new roommate for the ladies.  On paper she looks awesome.  I look forward to meeting her in person.

Health wise I am doing ok too.  I had a mammogram done, but they called to say I need further testing.  So as soon as my new insurance information gets here I will be doing that.  Tired a lot of the time, but honestly I think that is because I work as hard as many twenty year olds.  I feel like I am slowing down a bit and that is  a good thing.  But when I do I start to get all worried again that I am not doing enough.

The children are all doing well.  Libby you can tell is really looking forward to the idea of no snow and laying out in the sunshine.  Onyx is growing like a weed.  Heavy as fuck too.  Lilly found the treats and with the help of her little brother they have been stealing them so I had to move them.   Cali is still plodding along and is still such a love.  Loved so much that neither Grandma or her Daddy make her get out a chair when she is comfortable.    Erin needs his cage cleaned.  That is on my list of things to do this week.  But he is good.  Spirit has start playing more with her bell which is cute.  I am bribing her with occasional goodies to get her to trust me more.

Well my friends I am not sure what is happening with the movie so i am just going to go get comfortable and read.  Have a great day!

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Friday Morning

Good morning my beautiful friends!I don’t know about where you’re at but here the snow is almost melted and all we are dealing with is some rain and I am a happy camper. I get so worried about slipping and sliding on the ice. Not just me but my mom and David too. So I would be okay if we have seen the last of the snow.

So I put a little outreach on Facebook for support to get back on track with my weight loss. A couple of my nieces and my few close friends are doing just that. And it helps. My mom and David also offered to help and you have no idea how much that means to me. I want them to continue to take care of themselves and not worry about me but just to offer is wonderful. So I’m checking my calories and trying to go to the gym when I can. But I’ve decided one of the most important things I can do is nap instead of eat when I’m tired. Because 4 hours worth of sleep doesn’t always cut it. I need to remember I’m not 20 anymore.

St Patrick’s Day is Sunday and where are my St. Patrick’s Day cards? Well they happened to be sitting on the counter. I know it’s a great fucking  place for them. Lol.  My plan is still to mail them out tomorrow I know they’ll get there late but hey isn’t it the thought that counts? Besides that I spent money on them and people love getting snail mail that isn’t bills so that’s a bonus.

This weekend I go to working both Saturday and Sunday mornings which is weird that’s going to take some getting used to. I am not a morning person but sometimes we make sacrifices for the good of the many. Just ask Mr. Spock. And if you get that reference you’re as big of a nerd as I am.

Saturday night we have Bunco.  I usually try to bring something but I may not this week just because I’m trying to get used to staying away from the goodies but we’ll see. I like bunco because it’s an inexpensive way for us all to get out of the house and enjoy time with other people. Not to mention both David in my mom seem to be very good at winning. Lol Me not so much but that’s okay. I hope Dar and Michael make it this week too. It’s good to see them there.

Well it’s time to get back to work there’s papers to be done and things to be filed. Have a great day everybody.  And smile because you’re loved.

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Big Decisions Made

Well after a week of going back and forth about my job and insurance I finally made my decisions.  I will be staying at my job for at least the next four months so I can lose my regained weight and I hope 20 more pounds after that.  So that meant finding a new doctor and getting the insurance paperwork done.  So here I sat with eight names.  I narrowed it down to two and when I did my final web search I found one isn’t accepting new patients.  That helped and I am happy with my choice.  I also have two ob/gyn that I am going to investigate in the near future.

In four months I will reevaluate my circumstances and see where to go from there.  With these big decisions made I am feeling better.  I have a goal in mind and since I am a chicken shit about change this will give me time to get used to the changes as they come.

Also in 142 days I will be completing the 5K Redo.  I bailed out last July, I was supposed to do The Color Run/Walk.  Between David’s surgery and my own emotional eating I wasn’t prepared.  I feel like I need to do this to regain a little self-control and self-esteem.

Well it’s time to get busy.  Have a great night.

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1:30pm Do You Know Where Cindy Is?

The normal response is usually work.  Today I am in my bed with a serious sciatica pain.  Which I would normally handle with a pain pill and muscle relaxer and go about my day.  However a recent kidney issue makes that not a possible solution.  So rest and warmth will have to do.

Which sucks because I wanted to beat my mom’s ass at cards again today (it would be three times in a row😀).  Maybe make some yummy Mac and cheese.  Get some stuff done around the house and fart without wanting to die. Lol

Libby and Onyx are keeping me company so that is a good thing.  Nothing like warm little bodies and cold noses to make a girl feel loved.

Even with the pain and the downtime I still feel blessed.  Pain  let’s me know I am alive even though I could use less of it.  And I have a place that is safe and warm to recover.  And  most importantly people and furbabies who love me.

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Late Night Worries or Rice Krispies

So I’ve been lying here in my bed for the last hour debating between getting up for a bowl of rice krispies or trying to fall back asleep. Actually that’s not true I’ve been laying here thinking about tomorrow I have to go to the main office of my company to find out about a change in our insurance. That’s keeping me awake and making me think about Rice Krispies.

For me personally I’ve had the same doctor for about 10 years and she’s a very good doctor.  I don’t like the idea of having to switch doctors but I wouldn’t mind so much if there was some consideration shown to me during this process. From the sounds of it they plan on starting this new insurance March 1st. That’s three days from now! How could any company do that to a person? There are so many decisions that need to be made! Imagine giving up your long-term physician and finding a new one in three days. What about all the appointments that people have scheduled with their doctor’s right now? I myself have  mammogram and I’m due for a visit with the gynecologist. So I need to cancel those and then I need to look for new doctors. I am one of the lucky ones I take one prescribed medication and it’s a common medication so it’s probably going to be covered no matter what my program, but what about those on insulin or chemotherapy or things like that?

And I understand the company has the right to change insurances. But here’s the questions that are on my mind… Who made the decision to go with this particular insurance? How many the people who are involved in the decision actually will have this insurance? How many staff representatives were involved in the decision-making process? How much money is it saving the company versus the amount of headache and heartache it’s going to cost to staff? Did they review this company’s history before they chose on it or do they just look at the cost? Do they know that this company has an average review of 1.8? Do the powers-that-be understand that by making a decision like this with no conversation with the employees and so quickly feels like you don’t give a shit about us.

So now I have to decide on a new primary care physician, gynecologist and a new knee doctor. Those are my big ones.  These decisions will take time because I don’t just walk into an office and take a chance that this person isn’t going to be a dick head. I read the reviews, I sit in the waiting room and see how it progresses, I observe the staff to see how big of assholes they are or aren’t and then finally I make an appointment to see whether or not I find this doctor competent.

So if I go into this meeting tomorrow and I feel like we as the staff for once again a secondary consideration to the money situation I will have no choice but to leave my job and to find employment elsewhere. I am five months shy of being with my company 16 years, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find another company and begin again.

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It’s ok.  What’s ok?  All of it.  All of what?  All the doubts, feelings, thoughts and the gut reactions.  It’s all ok.

Do I sound high?   I’m not that is just how my mind is running right now.  So much I can’t control going on and if you  know me at all you know I like control.

So when I start to feel a bit anxious I am telling myself it’s ok.  I got what I can handle well handled.  The things that aren’t mine to handle I am saying to myself not my circus, not my monkeys.

 

So it’s ok.  It will continue to be ok.  The world spins without me pushing it.  It’s ok.

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So I Don’t Know About You…

But I am sick of this weather.  I don’t mind the snow and cold it’s Michigan so of course it is expected.  But the lack of sunlight has been depressing and makes me crankier than usual.

Right now the sun is out so every few minutes I am standing in front of the large window soaking up my vitamin for the day.  That plus the apple and cheese stick I am eating are both improving my mood a little at a time.

With that being said I got a couple of bees in my bonnet.  First I am having a hard time dealing with rude people in customer service.  Whatever happened to manners people?  Please and thank you go a long way in getting return business.  Also just common courtesy is always a good thing.  I took my mother who is in her 80’s for a hair cut.  We walked into the salon and stood there waiting, waiting and waiting.  Finally the lady comes out from the back room and says, “Hi need a haircut?”  You know what would have been nice?  If when she came out of the backroom she said something like sorry to keep you waiting how can I help you?  Hell I would have settled sorry you had to wait I had to pee.  Acknowledging our time is valuable goes a long way to make people want to come back.

The other thing that has been on my mind that people appear to be mistaking my kindness for weakness.  I don’t mind helping other people, but I do mind when people take advantage of my kindness.  I work a lot, sleep very little and take care of many.  So when people aren’t doing their part to make things run smoothly is pisses me off.   Unfortunately it’s been a regular occurence lately.

So I have decided to make honey out of the situation.  I am going to educate by  example.  Remembering my manners and being considerate of those around me.  Of course there are a few where this won’t work, for some I may just have to yell. LOL  I am good at that too.

Well time to go soak in more sun!  Have a great day.

 

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Super What?

There are a lot of phrases where the word Super has become familiar to me.  Super size my drink, my ass is super sized, Superman saves the world and my favorite just the sarcastic use of super when it truly isn’t.  Superbowl on the other hand doesn’t mean jack shit to me.  I know it’s an American tradition, blah, blah, and blah.  It’s also a chance for businesses to spend a shit ton on advertising and players to make enough in one game to keep you and I fed, clothed and healthy for a long time.  Imagine if even  half that money went back to the American people.  Veterans, homeless, disabled and just struggling people.  I would become a fan in a hot minute.  I would learn about punts, passes and ground work like a mother fucking pro.

Until that day happens Superbowl is just another Sunday.  A day where I work because I have to pay the bills and people to care for.

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