Cindyisms

I just finished my class on line and one thing that I noticed is I will procrastinate the whole fucking day away when I have cable and/or WiFi. When I was at work for those two days and didn’t have either I was a mother fucking rock star! All my work was done and checked. I worked on my school work and I did more recreational reading than I had in months.

So I am thinking….Maybe limit my social media and games to the an hour in the morning and an hour at night. Imagine all the extra time that I will have! Ok maybe not extra time, but better use of my time each day.

Something else I am doing. I have joined NOOM and it is working out so well so far. I listen to 15 minutes worth of lessons everyday. And you know what? They are fun and informative. I Log my meals, water and daily weight. I have a 1 on 1 coach that I can ask questions to. And I am looking at realistic goals not 200 pounds in a year lofty goals. Expensive? I thought so but the math works out to $22.38 a month. Shit I spent triple that on Fast food last month. I haven’t lost a single pound, but I am being honest about my diet so that Reese peanut butter cup, Kit Kat and PBJ sandwich tells me why I haven’t. Baby steps. I have increased my fruit and vegetable intake from none a day to two a day. That’s a step in the right direction. I haven’t given up diet pop yet, but I have cut down. And I am sleeping more. Late night when I am bored at home instead of snacking I tell myself go the fuck to bed. Can’t stuff my pie hole if I am sleeping.

Well it’s time to go get ready for work. I am leaving myself a little extra time each day so I am not rushing and I can pack my lunch and dinner. Have a fantastic Thursday my friends.

I feel like I should have that written on a shirt. Or several shirts because it seems to be my current state of mind. I know what needs to be done. Bills need to be paid, groceries need to be bought, house needs to be cleaned and yet I find I just wanting to curl up and watch crime shows.

I know part is the difficulty sleeping with the knees aching. The fear that I have so much to do I get paralyzed into doing nothing in case I do something wrong. I know the worst thing I can do is nothing. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But at the same time when the body is weak and the mind is troubled, there is fear in trying and perhaps failing AGAIN. Like this time I may not be able to pull it all back together.

How do I move forward when I am so fucking tired, in physical pain and emotionally fucked up? Does somebody got the answer? In my mind I keep hearing you just do. One step at a time. One wince of pain. One decision at a time. But the it comes back to Lacking the Motivation. It’s a pretty fucked up cycle.

So I just took a look at my blog and noticed I haven’t written in over a month. I am a mother fucking slacker. LOL. Sorry folks, I have pretty much just existing. Between work and a general lack of motivation I have basically done the minimum. I would like to tell you that it’s going to change. That I will put forth more effort, but the truth is I probably won’t.

I mean I could work my ass off keeping my house clean and everything running like a well oiled machine. But all this bullshit at work has shown me that I have a lot of 80/20 relationships when it comes to effort. It is my personality type I know. Make sure everyone is ok, do they have what they need, can I help and on and on. It is exhausting.

So I am adopting a “FISH” attitude. Are you wondering what I mean? Not the Finding Nemo kind of fish. The acronym Fuck It, Shit Happens. Yeah that works for me. I have only been on this kick for about three days. Not going to lie it is difficult to step back, but I am trying.

I have the day off. So far I have got my nails done, got the mail, cleaned the cat boxes and loaded and started the dish washer. I think now it is time for a little nap. Pre Covid I barely napped. Most people’s nap time was how much I slept for the night. But now naps are necessary as well as a little more sleep. Adopting the “FISH” attitude is allowing me to go take that nap instead of vacuuming the floor. Starting the washer or making a shopping list. Sleep is more important right now.

So my friends I will try not to stay away so long this time, but if I do remember “FISH”.

D O N E.  What? D O N E.  What does that mean?  Why are you saying that?  Talk to me?  W H Y?  So I can help you.

Laughable.  On repeat.  Better. Different. Try.  You don’t understand.  It’s not the same for You.

D O N E.  What does that mean? D O N E. I don’t understand.  D O N E.

Are you upset?  Is it me? Work? The Family? I’m really trying here.  If you don’t explain I can’t help you.

D O N E.  I’m sick of this.  D O N E. Okay I’m the mother fucking bad guy.  D O N E. What the fuck ever.

You need to figure your shit out.  It’s your drama not mine.

July is a busy month for Birthdays (including mine). People begin asking what are you going to do for your birthday? What do you want? How old are you going to be? All valid questions and other than I my soon to be age I don’t have a fucking clue.

Really I am thankful to have birthdays. It means I have made it another year in this big(sometimes fucked up) beautiful world. But Birthdays don’t hold the same importance as they once did. I have my license, can legally drink beer and had the Lordy, Lordy look whose 40 thing.

I guess what I am trying to say is yes Birthdays are awesome, but after a certain number of them you start to change. For me I am trying to see everyday as awesome. I mean after all Life Really Is What We Make It. Happy Birthday July Babies.

Some mornings I wake up, begin the day and just smile. Another day means another chance to do something good, fun or just different. Some days the dog gets in the way and I accidentally pee on the floor trying not to step on her. I begin that type off day thinking this day is going to suck.

I fully believe that if I start my day with the right attitude it can be a pretty good day. On a good day I wake up, pull the covers up on my side of the bed. Use the restroom. Head to the kitchen to pick out my coffee flavor and combine it with my favorite protein drink. I take my meds, check if I need to load or unload the dishwasher (usually both) and if I have time start some clothes. I feed my fur babies giving each of them forehead kisses (they tolerate this because I am feeding). Then if it’s a work day I get ready for work. If it’s an off day I figure out what to do next.

Then there are Negative Nancy days and the day usually goes like this. Wake up. Have to pee. Dog is excited we are waking up gets in the way. I step on a cat toy and think it’s a cat. Hit foot on table and pee myself. That sets the mood. Go out to the kitchen, but do not make any coffee, but I pour a cup of pop. I might remember my pills. I feed my fur babies (they still get kisses). I look at the dishes and the laundry and I say fuck this shit. I go back to bed. If it is a work day I wake with just enough time to leave for work. If it’s an off day I turn on Netflix and I am done for the day.

Lately there seem to be more Negative Nancy days. When the day starts off rough it’s extremely hard for me to turn it around. I think honestly I quit trying to. It is so much easier to wallow. To wake up and say I don’t feel good so I am not doing ANYTHING. For every ache and pain to mean I should give up on the day. I have been taking the easy way out.

Then one day I look down at Libby’s face. There is so much love there. I run my hand through Lilly’s fur and she mews. I look around MY HOUSE and see what I have earned and done. I realize I need to take better care of it. It meaning my life. If I wake up and accidentally pee on the floor. Put down a towel, get cleaned up and shake that shit off. If someone else’s mood is negative let it go in one ear and out the other. Hell I may even just half listen and in my head picture a hot fudge sundae. I need to focus on the the good and be grateful for them.

Sure some days are still going to be shitty (even if I don’t pee on the floor), that is just life. But that doesn’t mean that life is shitty or the next day needs to be. It means coming home, reviewing the day and deciding what can I do tomorrow to make it better. What do I have to be grateful for?

Some days I sit down to figure out what I was grateful for that day and it’s hard to find something. Or it seems like I am grateful for the same things. Great coworkers, Libby kisses, a big hug from EHubs. Two things occurred to me. 1) I need to look for the positives in EVERYDAY and be grateful no matter how shitty the day is. 2) There is nothing wrong with being grateful for the SAME THING EVERYDAY. A blessing is a blessing no matter how many times it occurs. A Libby kiss is just as wonderful today as it was yesterday. A hug from EHubs is still the best feeling even though I have been getting them for 25 years.

What kind of day are you having? What are you grateful for today? Remember we have the ability to make each day a positive or a negative one. It’s in our power to chose.

It is Saturday and the second to the last day before vacation ends. The laundry is spinning, dinner is in the oven and dish washer is loaded. Man I love this shit! I am like in my idea of heaven right now. After I get done with this post I am going to fold clothes, have some dinner and then get ready for Bunco. Maybe even put on a little make-up? If I remember how? Lol

Having this little vacation has put me in a different head space. I used to feel like I needed to be famous, remembered and all that big serious shit. But being home with David and the fur babies like this has shown me how life could be. I make meals for my family, I watch tv with David with Lilly curled up with me. My floors are vacuumed, my bed is made and even my bathroom is cleaner. Simple and happy. Lol

Yes I will continue to do my job to the best of my abilities but I want my life to be about more. I am so happy being me now. So I don’t want to be all about work anymore. I want my life to have facets like a diamond. Beautiful and full of sparkles.

Goood Morning Friends. It is day three of my staycation and I am enjoying the fuck out of it. I made this big huge list of things that I want to accomplish and I am marking them off one by one. Now the list is as big as my ass (42 things) so I probably won’t get them all done, but I will accomplish as many as I can. So far I have marked off 9 of them and I am good with that.

Today I did the one set of cat boxes. I didn’t break down the Litter Bot yet because I am afraid I may break something. I prefer to wait until David can help me. I got the trash gathered, the fridge cleaned out and trash can to the road. Yeah I looked super sexy in my Crocs and my pink cat print robe. LOL! I also got the small grocery order in. This isn’t my shopping week, but I am making special desserts and we are having company. So I needed some stuff.

I decided that I am going to Vlog everyday this week. Give the YouTube world a chance to get to know me a bit. I still have no idea what I am going to talk about most days, but hey I will wing it.

I need to call my sister in law and check and see if Momma is available for a visit on Friday. I miss her and no Staycation would be complete without a visit with mom. For those of you that used to follow her on Momma’s Corner she is doing well considering she is 86 years old. To be honest I think the hip surgeries affected her cognitive abilities a little bit, but that is expected with age. Still beautiful, funny and kind.

The fur babies are scattered around the house napping. Libby is laying by my feet. Ash is in a cat tree enjoying the sun. Willow is cooling her belly on the wood kitchen floor. Onyx and Lilly are sleeping with David in the bed.

The remainder of today is going to be a combination of things. I plan to work on some more things on my list. A long shower because there is no rush today. Heading to Nails On Main for my Nails and Pedicure. Then home to get David and we are driving Erin’s cage to Fowlerville to donate to a rescue. Then if we got time tablet shopping before we go pick up groceries.

A whole day of kicking ass and taking names. I know many people want to go exotic places and drink booze with umbrellas on their vacations, but for me I am in heaven my friends. I want so badly to get my house decluttered and organized that this is awesome way to spend a vacation. Work a little and play a little. Should really figure out how to do that in daily life. BUT that is a whole other blog post. Take Care Friends.

I know when many people hear that term they are thinking basketball, but in my life it means the month of change. Snow melts. The beautiful yard is just a mine field of winter poop that I need to clean up. The fur babies start to shed the heavy coats and if we are lucky so do you and I.

Are we on the downward side of Covid? Will I get my shot this month? Will we be able to enjoy such things are Bunco and game night again soon?

I get three paychecks in March. Now I decide how to use them in the best possible manner to support my family. I have a vacation this month. My plan was a a trip to Scotland to visit one of my dearest friends and scratch that trip off my bucket list. Perhaps next year for my 50th Birthday.

My plans for this vacation are so very simple…rest, Netflix, some baking and some house cleaning. I would love a game day too, but who knows.

Doesn’t sound to much like Madness when I type it out. But along with that come the thoughts. What is happening at work? Is everybody ok? I could be making overtime pay and that would help with the bills. Why is my yard so uneven? What if one of the guys sprains his ankle while cutting the lawn? Is Onyx losing to much hair? I need to clean off the back porch. Are we looking like trailer trash? I would like to have dinner out, but what is safe? What if they call me to get my shot and I miss the call because I am not working. Then I won’t be able to see Mom. Maybe I should cancel my Netflix and Hulu to save money. But if I do that what would I watch on the midnight shift? I couldn’t live without my Supernatural! Maybe I shouldn’t bake it’s just an excuse to eat more. Besides that cost more money because I don’t keep all that stuff in the house. How are my brothers? Have I reached out lately? Do they need anything? Should I call? I miss my Mom. Oh yeah the one disowned me. I hope he is safe and working. How are they both feeling? Did I get our meds filled and are there any appointments coming up?

That is March Madness. Well actually that is daily madness, but you get the point. The mind goes. I want to be the best me I can be, but I feel frequently I am falling short. It is a thought pattern I must change. So this March I am going try to calm the madness so I can enjoy the little things.

A crazy fucking Bee. That is pretty much how I feel right now. I got so much stuff I want to do and so little time to do it in. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for the job and the overtime is helping with the bills, but I have this desire to make my own self improvements.

I am working on my own personal improvements. Like eating a bit better, definitely trying to sleep more and take more care of my body (it maybe fat but it’s mine).

I am also working around the house. Trying to organize and declutter. That way I have less shit to keep up with and more free time. If it’s something you are interested there are a lot of great YouTube Channels for this!

And I am still couponing. I enjoy it because I hunt for the best deals, use some math and most of what I get I give to family, friends or donate. I am currently researching charities and rescues because in 2021 I decided we were going to give a little support to a couple. Whether stuff from couponing or a $5 donation. Whatever works.

You know David and I are coming up on 50 fast and I felt like we were just existing, not really living so we needed to change that. By reaching out, by trying new things and becoming the people we were meant to be. An example David really wants to try a Sushi Box ( I think that is what it’s called) which I am super leery of doing. But I an going to try because it’s on his list. So hopefully he and I can start living and stop just existing.

Well time to go transfer the laundry and start another load. Good night friends. Stay warm and safe.