July Begins

Today is the first day of July and it’s going to be a hell of a month. My 50th birthday is the 7th. and I have been making a list of things I want to do and/or change in the next year. Some small things and some big things, but all things for me to do on my year long journey to start to really love myself.

Like most people, there are few things about myself that I love. Physically I love my smile and my freckles. Emotionally I find it easy to love furry and feathery friends AND a select group of humans. Mentally I have a pretty good moral compass nowadays.

But there is still so much that I have a hard time loving about myself. Even though friends and counselors alike tell me I need to let that shit go. Easier said than done folks. The negative still weighs so heavy in the heart and mind. You are so fat and ugly. You aren’t smart why did you ever go to college? You suck at your job, but nobody wants to hear you whine about it. You are hard to love because there isn’t anything unique or beautiful about you. You have no special talents, you will die alone because you didn’t have kids. And on and on and on. A record that plays in the background every minute of everyday.

So I have been reading and listening A LOT this year about things that I want to do to tell that inner record to fuck off permanently and it’s a pretty big list. I am not going to list them all here. But I plan on talking about them each as I incorporate them in my life.

So starting July 7, 2022. The first thing I am going to do is set a regular sleep routine. Are you saying to yourself WTF? Why that? Well for about 30 years I have been sleeping roughly 3 to 6 hours a day. The truth is MOMMA IS TIRED. LOL. So I have been doing lots for reading about establishing sleep guidelines and the results people are having with them.

So my goal is to be in bed by 11PM (at the latest) and up at 5AM everyday. Doesn’t matter whether I work or not. That gives me time in the morning to prep the day, do a bit of writing and most importantly take a fucking shower and brush my teeth. I will be honest my friends I used to get up everyday, shower, brush my teeth and dress for the day every single day. Depression set in and I shower every other day and teeth brushing became when I felt like it or they felt nasty. Dressing, well that went out the window unless I had to go somewhere. Which is how I avoided noticing my ass getting bigger. Underpants stretch and nightgowns have no waist. So just getting a sleep routine will be the BIG step that allows me to start the baby steps to self improvement and loving myself.

Friends I hope this make sense to you all. In my head it all makes sense, but I know that it doesn’t mean others will get it. Do you get it? I guess it doesn’t really matter if you get it as long as I do. In order to be happy and send out love into the world, I first need to figure out how to love myself. All of me, not just freckles.

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