Next Week Will Be Better

That is what my boss and I were saying as we sat exhausted on the couch at work last week. There were trips to the ER, allnighters to finish projects, holiday gatherings and more hours worked than what a human being should have too.

Then this week we had a school shooting at Oxford where many of our dear friends have children that attend. The staff got the flu or a cold and so we are working while trying to keep our eyes open and our noses from running. I got a flat tire from a nail. Houses are a disaster because after working 56 hours with a cold nobody gives a fuck about laundry. Yesterday we sat on that same couch and said well there is still hope for next week.

But honestly I don’t think either of us is feeling convinced.

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Thanksgiving As Caregivers

Short work week, family gatherings, great food, time to relax and sleep. That my friend is most caregiver’s dream. But lets talk about reality a bit. Caregivers like Doctors and Nurses don’t always get the holidays off. If you are extremely lucky perhaps your people will go home to be with their family, but a lot of times this isn’t the case.

For caregivers like me Holidays are more work, more hours and more drama. In a small, understaffed home such as mine we work together so that each person gets to spend at least one chosen holiday with their family. In order for that to happen the rest pick up the slack.

For Thanksgiving this year I have a person with certain dietary issues that I must consider, then there is the behavioral issues that occur. Some that occur for not being invited home with the rest of the family for dinner (usually because they are to hard work and/or embarrassing to the families), for other reasons like jealousy that the roommates went home and well as their normal issues.

At my home we try hard to make sure to offer as much Thanksgiving cheer as we can. We do a breakfast treat like fresh baked cinnamon rolls. Offer to watch the parade, a movie such as It’s A Wonderful Life or in my case watch the football game which my lady does in between pacing the house. We do a light snack and then sit down for dinner as a family would.

At home family sleeps in, wakes up, has breakfast and prepares for the day. Visiting with parents, siblings and other family. Sitting down to eat many of the family favorites like pierogies and my mother in law’s stuffing. After dinner playing board games until time for pie. Then heading home to fall into a food coma.

I know people reading this will be like…Well you chose the job. It’s true I did and I am so very good at it. That is the point MOST caregivers chose our careers and are good at it. But we also want you to think about what we give up and have a little bit of compassion. Think of it this way are you off from Wednesday evening until Monday morning? If you are good for you. I am working 40 hours in that same time period.

Have a great Thanksgiving and when giving thanks take a moment to remember those that are working so you can rest.

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Music For The Soul

This week I found out that one of the cofounding members of my favorite band has passed away. Graeme Edge of the Moody Blues passed away. This is a profound loss to me because the Moody Blues sang Nights in White Satin which has been my favorite song for as long as I can remember. It’s poetry, orchestra and beautiful.

I began going to Moody Blues concerts long before I even had boobs. At 16 we went to a concert at Pine Knob and I laid on the hill and just let the music wash over me. I could feel the words in my soul. I still stop whatever I am doing if I can to close my eyes and listen when my song comes on.

I also have major fondness for Veteran Cosmic Rocker because my Dad loved it. I can remember sitting at a concert with him and when the song began to play he smiled, nodded and said “there you go.” Dad smiling is like sunshine. Especially since I only get to see that smile in my memories now.

I know I am at the age where I am going to start losing actors and musicians that I loved when I was young. But I am thankful that they were part of my life in the first place. But could if I could put in a cosmic request please don’t take Bob Seger or Elton John anytime soon.

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Social Media, Games and NOOM

I just finished my class on line and one thing that I noticed is I will procrastinate the whole fucking day away when I have cable and/or WiFi. When I was at work for those two days and didn’t have either I was a mother fucking rock star! All my work was done and checked. I worked on my school work and I did more recreational reading than I had in months.

So I am thinking….Maybe limit my social media and games to the an hour in the morning and an hour at night. Imagine all the extra time that I will have! Ok maybe not extra time, but better use of my time each day.

Something else I am doing. I have joined NOOM and it is working out so well so far. I listen to 15 minutes worth of lessons everyday. And you know what? They are fun and informative. I Log my meals, water and daily weight. I have a 1 on 1 coach that I can ask questions to. And I am looking at realistic goals not 200 pounds in a year lofty goals. Expensive? I thought so but the math works out to $22.38 a month. Shit I spent triple that on Fast food last month. I haven’t lost a single pound, but I am being honest about my diet so that Reese peanut butter cup, Kit Kat and PBJ sandwich tells me why I haven’t. Baby steps. I have increased my fruit and vegetable intake from none a day to two a day. That’s a step in the right direction. I haven’t given up diet pop yet, but I have cut down. And I am sleeping more. Late night when I am bored at home instead of snacking I tell myself go the fuck to bed. Can’t stuff my pie hole if I am sleeping.

Well it’s time to go get ready for work. I am leaving myself a little extra time each day so I am not rushing and I can pack my lunch and dinner. Have a fantastic Thursday my friends.

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Lacking Motivation

I feel like I should have that written on a shirt. Or several shirts because it seems to be my current state of mind. I know what needs to be done. Bills need to be paid, groceries need to be bought, house needs to be cleaned and yet I find I just wanting to curl up and watch crime shows.

I know part is the difficulty sleeping with the knees aching. The fear that I have so much to do I get paralyzed into doing nothing in case I do something wrong. I know the worst thing I can do is nothing. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But at the same time when the body is weak and the mind is troubled, there is fear in trying and perhaps failing AGAIN. Like this time I may not be able to pull it all back together.

How do I move forward when I am so fucking tired, in physical pain and emotionally fucked up? Does somebody got the answer? In my mind I keep hearing you just do. One step at a time. One wince of pain. One decision at a time. But the it comes back to Lacking the Motivation. It’s a pretty fucked up cycle.

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So I just took a look at my blog and noticed I haven’t written in over a month. I am a mother fucking slacker. LOL. Sorry folks, I have pretty much just existing. Between work and a general lack of motivation I have basically done the minimum. I would like to tell you that it’s going to change. That I will put forth more effort, but the truth is I probably won’t.

I mean I could work my ass off keeping my house clean and everything running like a well oiled machine. But all this bullshit at work has shown me that I have a lot of 80/20 relationships when it comes to effort. It is my personality type I know. Make sure everyone is ok, do they have what they need, can I help and on and on. It is exhausting.

So I am adopting a “FISH” attitude. Are you wondering what I mean? Not the Finding Nemo kind of fish. The acronym Fuck It, Shit Happens. Yeah that works for me. I have only been on this kick for about three days. Not going to lie it is difficult to step back, but I am trying.

I have the day off. So far I have got my nails done, got the mail, cleaned the cat boxes and loaded and started the dish washer. I think now it is time for a little nap. Pre Covid I barely napped. Most people’s nap time was how much I slept for the night. But now naps are necessary as well as a little more sleep. Adopting the “FISH” attitude is allowing me to go take that nap instead of vacuuming the floor. Starting the washer or making a shopping list. Sleep is more important right now.

So my friends I will try not to stay away so long this time, but if I do remember “FISH”.

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D O N E.  What? D O N E.  What does that mean?  Why are you saying that?  Talk to me?  W H Y?  So I can help you.

Laughable.  On repeat.  Better. Different. Try.  You don’t understand.  It’s not the same for You.

D O N E.  What does that mean? D O N E. I don’t understand.  D O N E.

Are you upset?  Is it me? Work? The Family? I’m really trying here.  If you don’t explain I can’t help you.

D O N E.  I’m sick of this.  D O N E. Okay I’m the mother fucking bad guy.  D O N E. What the fuck ever.

You need to figure your shit out.  It’s your drama not mine.


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You Say It’s Your Birthday…

July is a busy month for Birthdays (including mine). People begin asking what are you going to do for your birthday? What do you want? How old are you going to be? All valid questions and other than I my soon to be age I don’t have a fucking clue.

Really I am thankful to have birthdays. It means I have made it another year in this big(sometimes fucked up) beautiful world. But Birthdays don’t hold the same importance as they once did. I have my license, can legally drink beer and had the Lordy, Lordy look whose 40 thing.

I guess what I am trying to say is yes Birthdays are awesome, but after a certain number of them you start to change. For me I am trying to see everyday as awesome. I mean after all Life Really Is What We Make It. Happy Birthday July Babies.

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Sometimes It’s Hard To Be Grateful

Some mornings I wake up, begin the day and just smile. Another day means another chance to do something good, fun or just different. Some days the dog gets in the way and I accidentally pee on the floor trying not to step on her. I begin that type off day thinking this day is going to suck.

I fully believe that if I start my day with the right attitude it can be a pretty good day. On a good day I wake up, pull the covers up on my side of the bed. Use the restroom. Head to the kitchen to pick out my coffee flavor and combine it with my favorite protein drink. I take my meds, check if I need to load or unload the dishwasher (usually both) and if I have time start some clothes. I feed my fur babies giving each of them forehead kisses (they tolerate this because I am feeding). Then if it’s a work day I get ready for work. If it’s an off day I figure out what to do next.

Then there are Negative Nancy days and the day usually goes like this. Wake up. Have to pee. Dog is excited we are waking up gets in the way. I step on a cat toy and think it’s a cat. Hit foot on table and pee myself. That sets the mood. Go out to the kitchen, but do not make any coffee, but I pour a cup of pop. I might remember my pills. I feed my fur babies (they still get kisses). I look at the dishes and the laundry and I say fuck this shit. I go back to bed. If it is a work day I wake with just enough time to leave for work. If it’s an off day I turn on Netflix and I am done for the day.

Lately there seem to be more Negative Nancy days. When the day starts off rough it’s extremely hard for me to turn it around. I think honestly I quit trying to. It is so much easier to wallow. To wake up and say I don’t feel good so I am not doing ANYTHING. For every ache and pain to mean I should give up on the day. I have been taking the easy way out.

Then one day I look down at Libby’s face. There is so much love there. I run my hand through Lilly’s fur and she mews. I look around MY HOUSE and see what I have earned and done. I realize I need to take better care of it. It meaning my life. If I wake up and accidentally pee on the floor. Put down a towel, get cleaned up and shake that shit off. If someone else’s mood is negative let it go in one ear and out the other. Hell I may even just half listen and in my head picture a hot fudge sundae. I need to focus on the the good and be grateful for them.

Sure some days are still going to be shitty (even if I don’t pee on the floor), that is just life. But that doesn’t mean that life is shitty or the next day needs to be. It means coming home, reviewing the day and deciding what can I do tomorrow to make it better. What do I have to be grateful for?

Some days I sit down to figure out what I was grateful for that day and it’s hard to find something. Or it seems like I am grateful for the same things. Great coworkers, Libby kisses, a big hug from EHubs. Two things occurred to me. 1) I need to look for the positives in EVERYDAY and be grateful no matter how shitty the day is. 2) There is nothing wrong with being grateful for the SAME THING EVERYDAY. A blessing is a blessing no matter how many times it occurs. A Libby kiss is just as wonderful today as it was yesterday. A hug from EHubs is still the best feeling even though I have been getting them for 25 years.

What kind of day are you having? What are you grateful for today? Remember we have the ability to make each day a positive or a negative one. It’s in our power to chose.

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Staycation Post #2

It is Saturday and the second to the last day before vacation ends. The laundry is spinning, dinner is in the oven and dish washer is loaded. Man I love this shit! I am like in my idea of heaven right now. After I get done with this post I am going to fold clothes, have some dinner and then get ready for Bunco. Maybe even put on a little make-up? If I remember how? Lol

Having this little vacation has put me in a different head space. I used to feel like I needed to be famous, remembered and all that big serious shit. But being home with David and the fur babies like this has shown me how life could be. I make meals for my family, I watch tv with David with Lilly curled up with me. My floors are vacuumed, my bed is made and even my bathroom is cleaner. Simple and happy. Lol

Yes I will continue to do my job to the best of my abilities but I want my life to be about more. I am so happy being me now. So I don’t want to be all about work anymore. I want my life to have facets like a diamond. Beautiful and full of sparkles.

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