Today is the first day of July and it’s going to be a hell of a month. My 50th birthday is the 7th. and I have been making a list of things I want to do and/or change in the next year. Some small things and some big things, but all things for me to do on my year long journey to start to really love myself.
Like most people, there are few things about myself that I love. Physically I love my smile and my freckles. Emotionally I find it easy to love furry and feathery friends AND a select group of humans. Mentally I have a pretty good moral compass nowadays.
But there is still so much that I have a hard time loving about myself. Even though friends and counselors alike tell me I need to let that shit go. Easier said than done folks. The negative still weighs so heavy in the heart and mind. You are so fat and ugly. You aren’t smart why did you ever go to college? You suck at your job, but nobody wants to hear you whine about it. You are hard to love because there isn’t anything unique or beautiful about you. You have no special talents, you will die alone because you didn’t have kids. And on and on and on. A record that plays in the background every minute of everyday.
So I have been reading and listening A LOT this year about things that I want to do to tell that inner record to fuck off permanently and it’s a pretty big list. I am not going to list them all here. But I plan on talking about them each as I incorporate them in my life.
So starting July 7, 2022. The first thing I am going to do is set a regular sleep routine. Are you saying to yourself WTF? Why that? Well for about 30 years I have been sleeping roughly 3 to 6 hours a day. The truth is MOMMA IS TIRED. LOL. So I have been doing lots for reading about establishing sleep guidelines and the results people are having with them.
So my goal is to be in bed by 11PM (at the latest) and up at 5AM everyday. Doesn’t matter whether I work or not. That gives me time in the morning to prep the day, do a bit of writing and most importantly take a fucking shower and brush my teeth. I will be honest my friends I used to get up everyday, shower, brush my teeth and dress for the day every single day. Depression set in and I shower every other day and teeth brushing became when I felt like it or they felt nasty. Dressing, well that went out the window unless I had to go somewhere. Which is how I avoided noticing my ass getting bigger. Underpants stretch and nightgowns have no waist. So just getting a sleep routine will be the BIG step that allows me to start the baby steps to self improvement and loving myself.
Friends I hope this make sense to you all. In my head it all makes sense, but I know that it doesn’t mean others will get it. Do you get it? I guess it doesn’t really matter if you get it as long as I do. In order to be happy and send out love into the world, I first need to figure out how to love myself. All of me, not just freckles.
Good morning my friends. I am taking advantage of a little alone time to write and reflect. Not that I really have anything profound to say, but still the saying is reflection is good for the soul.
Yesterday was my Daddy’s birthday. I let it pass without mentioning it to a soul. Partly because the number of people who it actually mattered to has dwindled so much and partly because I just miss him so. He would have been 81. I sometimes think how he might have been if he were still alive. I am not happy that he is gone, but with the health problems he faced my thoughts are he wouldn’t have been happy at 81. He left us still smart as a tack, though going blind he could still see us and he still had his amazing smile. I think he would be proud of the woman I am becoming now. It took sometime to find out who that was.
In six days my brother will been gone three months. That my friends is still hard to comprehend. Such a short time from diagnosis to his loss. I was not prepared for that. I think of him often and hope that he sees what we all have done and it gives him some peace that we could help out in some small way.
I lost a friend a dear friend during my brother’s illness. I was selfish and focused so much on me and what my family was going through I never bothered to ask about theirs. Something I regret and have apologized for, but it came to late. It’s a loss that I will feel for a lifetime, because I took for granted that friendship would always be there.
Looking at June and beyond. My plan is to stay the course. Keep trying to be the person I know I can be. To count my blessings and to move forward. In little more than a month and a half I will be 50. Which seemed so old when I was a kid. LOL There has been talk of a big party and that would be so nice. But to be honest I think I would like to bring 50 in quietly. Welcome the next step of this amazing journey with a little cake, some flowers and perhaps a few new books to read.
Well it’s time to get things set up for breakfast. Get the coffee pot ready to brew for David, make sure there is a boiled egg and cinnamon toast for Momma and feed our fur babies. Have an amazing day friends and remember YOU ARE LOVED.
Well it’s been a little over 2 months that Momma has been back living with us and it’s been an adjustment for us all. When she lived here last time she was zooming all over the place and other than an occasional computer issue mentally she was doing great.
Since she has been back her mobility is limited, mentally she appears to be developing the signs of memory loss. And frankly many days she is just a cranky bitch.
With that being said we love her deeply and are working to get the mobility back and get her to engage more with people on activities. It’s a trial and error process.
Working just three days a week even though I get my 40 hours heightens my anxiety, but I am trying to accept I don’t have to work every minute of everyday. Being a workaholic is pretty fucked up.
Yes there are so many other things I could tell you, but it’s almost 11pm and 4:30am is right around the corner. We will visit again soon.
My friends so much has happened I just don’t know where to begin. I can’t believe that I never posted here about my brother and his battle with cancer. But then again I have been working with go fund me, a silent auction, doing You Tube videos and moving my mom back to my house so there has been a lot.
My brother Les. the brother who introduced me to the wonderful world of blogging, vlogging and social media was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer that had spread to the liver at the end of November/early December. He chose to fight and was told if things went well he would have between 9 months and 2 years unless we got a miracle. Well fuck we were aiming for the miracle.
Dar started a Go Fund Me page to help with the medical bills and living expenses. The link is https//:gofundme/498148b6 and it’s still active. While we worked on that Les went through several hospital stays. Some for infections, a couple of times due to loss of blood and low numbers. A couple of procedures to stop the bleeding. Then on February 16th after a doctor visit my brother found out the treatments weren’t working and he was developing blood clots. So Les decided to cease all treatment and go into hospice.
After that life was a big old blur. Momma moved from Les and Anne’s house back in with David and I. I changed my work schedule to be home more and when I am not home because I am working she had an amazing caregiver. Les began hospice and on March 6th he passed away with his wife by his side.
There is no more pain, no more worry or stress for him, just peace. It is difficult this world without him, but we are doing ok. Ups and downs, adjustments for all involved. We had a memorial on March 20th. Les’ friend Greg did the eulogy and others contributed memories.
Does it get easier? Not really, but like the loss of my Dad, Ma and Paul Markell and many other you find a way to keep going. As of this writing I am working with two amazing women to organize an silent auction called Les Fest to help with the huge medical bills that remain. That will be on April 17th-24th at the LESFEST Facebook group.
You know my friends occasionally I wonder would my brother be proud of how we are handling things? Are we being the people he needed us to be? I hope so.
Wow that was a pretty good size post. I think I will end there and pick it up next time. Stay safe friends, go to the doctor and love one another.
Most days I feel like I got a relatively good hold on things that have to do with me life. The bills are finally being paid on time, the fur babies are all well taken care and some may say spoiled rotten. David and I aren’t in great health but we are doing most of the things prescribed for us to do.
I roll with the changes at work. I adjust to help while I can. I leave everyday knowing my people are cared for whether I am there or not.
Then fate or the universe throws a big blazing turd ball into our lives and it all gets thrown out of whack. So now it’s time to adjust again and I am, but a few things aren’t going as well as they should be and I am left trying to figure out what to do next. I feel like my hands are tied and I am having problems slipping the knots. I will eventually, but the process to get there makes me anxious and frankly a little ill.
I know baby steps. I am fucking baby stepping the shit out of my life. Lol. Somehow it will work, but how I am not sure yet.
Q) WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF THE PERFECT DAY?
I think this one the answer changes depending on the day. So today listening to my heart and not my head let’s see what I come up with. The perfect day would start not waking up exhausted. To feel refreshed and ready to tackle anything that comes my way. My little house would still be clean and I wouldn’t have to wash a single piece of silverware to make breakfast. I would eat, feed my fur babies and shower for my day. I would give all my loves kisses as I left the house. I would travel the maybe 4 miles to my Cafe/rescue where I open the door to the smell of delicious pastries and coffee. I would be greet the staff that actually want to be there and love their job. I would go to the kitten room and get kitten snuggles. Then over to the senior room to get my cat snuggles. I would then sit down at my place at the counter and review adoption applications while I eat my chocolate croissant and sip my coffee. After that is done I would spend my day helping where I can and visiting with my customers.
After a great workday I would return home where I would cook a nice, but simple dinner for Ehubs and I. Eat, clean up the kitchen and then take my book out to the screened in porch to rock on my swing and read for a while. When the suns starts to set I would head into the house where I enjoy an hour or two of playtime with my fur babies before I do I quick house clean up and get ready for bed.
I would be in bed reading and relaxing with my big fluffy pillows and blankets. I would slowly begin to drift off to sleep without worry if my phone is going to ring and knowing I will get my eight hours of beauty sleep. As I ask Alexa to turn off my lights I take one final look around the cats, dog and Ehubs are fast asleep and I feel thankful.
That is what my boss and I were saying as we sat exhausted on the couch at work last week. There were trips to the ER, allnighters to finish projects, holiday gatherings and more hours worked than what a human being should have too.
Then this week we had a school shooting at Oxford where many of our dear friends have children that attend. The staff got the flu or a cold and so we are working while trying to keep our eyes open and our noses from running. I got a flat tire from a nail. Houses are a disaster because after working 56 hours with a cold nobody gives a fuck about laundry. Yesterday we sat on that same couch and said well there is still hope for next week.
But honestly I don’t think either of us is feeling convinced.
Short work week, family gatherings, great food, time to relax and sleep. That my friend is most caregiver’s dream. But lets talk about reality a bit. Caregivers like Doctors and Nurses don’t always get the holidays off. If you are extremely lucky perhaps your people will go home to be with their family, but a lot of times this isn’t the case.
For caregivers like me Holidays are more work, more hours and more drama. In a small, understaffed home such as mine we work together so that each person gets to spend at least one chosen holiday with their family. In order for that to happen the rest pick up the slack.
For Thanksgiving this year I have a person with certain dietary issues that I must consider, then there is the behavioral issues that occur. Some that occur for not being invited home with the rest of the family for dinner (usually because they are to hard work and/or embarrassing to the families), for other reasons like jealousy that the roommates went home and well as their normal issues.
At my home we try hard to make sure to offer as much Thanksgiving cheer as we can. We do a breakfast treat like fresh baked cinnamon rolls. Offer to watch the parade, a movie such as It’s A Wonderful Life or in my case watch the football game which my lady does in between pacing the house. We do a light snack and then sit down for dinner as a family would.
At home family sleeps in, wakes up, has breakfast and prepares for the day. Visiting with parents, siblings and other family. Sitting down to eat many of the family favorites like pierogies and my mother in law’s stuffing. After dinner playing board games until time for pie. Then heading home to fall into a food coma.
I know people reading this will be like…Well you chose the job. It’s true I did and I am so very good at it. That is the point MOST caregivers chose our careers and are good at it. But we also want you to think about what we give up and have a little bit of compassion. Think of it this way are you off from Wednesday evening until Monday morning? If you are good for you. I am working 40 hours in that same time period.
Have a great Thanksgiving and when giving thanks take a moment to remember those that are working so you can rest.
This week I found out that one of the cofounding members of my favorite band has passed away. Graeme Edge of the Moody Blues passed away. This is a profound loss to me because the Moody Blues sang Nights in White Satin which has been my favorite song for as long as I can remember. It’s poetry, orchestra and beautiful.
I began going to Moody Blues concerts long before I even had boobs. At 16 we went to a concert at Pine Knob and I laid on the hill and just let the music wash over me. I could feel the words in my soul. I still stop whatever I am doing if I can to close my eyes and listen when my song comes on.
I also have major fondness for Veteran Cosmic Rocker because my Dad loved it. I can remember sitting at a concert with him and when the song began to play he smiled, nodded and said “there you go.” Dad smiling is like sunshine. Especially since I only get to see that smile in my memories now.
I know I am at the age where I am going to start losing actors and musicians that I loved when I was young. But I am thankful that they were part of my life in the first place. But could if I could put in a cosmic request please don’t take Bob Seger or Elton John anytime soon.