Graceful I Think Not

I  am by no means a graceful woman.  But since I have lost over a hundred pounds I am getting better.  But this morning while walking one of my residents into workshop I caught my foot in the door and down I went.

Which hurt like a son of a bitch. But the cool part was in the past I would have needed a chair, two people and a crane to get off the floor.  This time I just crawled to the wall and worked my way up.  Woo hoo!   A small victory in the weight loss journey.

Thankfully other than two sore knees and one sore shoulder I am good.  I am taking it easy today and my coworker is pulling up my slack (thank you Krishelle).

Well hopefully I can stay upright for a while.  Avoid any closing doors and floors. Wish me luck.

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Enough

Hello my friends.  Been a while, but here I am.  7AM and awake when I really should be sleeping.

I am a worrier.  I am very good at it.  I am an emotional eater.  I am very good at that too.  These two things feed off each other (pardon the pun) making me eat and have more anxiety.

A couple of weeks ago someone I work with had a family emergency and she needs more time to help out.  This person has been fantastic to me over the years so I offered to help.

Call it fate or answered prayers but I had recently decided I was tired of the bills looming and the wolf knocking at my door.  The anxiety of the what ifs was killing me.  I literally have nothing in case we have an emergency.  I can’t live like that.

So I am currently in machine mode.  Which means I am working all that I can and I will will continue to do so for as long as it takes to get things paid off and a little money in the bank.

Yes I am tired. Yes many days I just want to say fuck it and run away from my problems, but as we know problems have a way of Finding us.

So bear with me my friends.  It’s not easy but I will do my best to not be a total fuck wad in the process.

 

 

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Five Days To Go

Dancing, drinking, eating, and sex.  These are the ways that many individuals deal with depression and the blues.  For me it’s eating and Netflix marathons.  Sometimes it takes several of these sessions to get back to where I can function like a relatively  normal human being.  I am not there yet, but I am closer.

I have a vacation coming up in five days.  A vacation where the plan is to find out who the fuck I am.  Make a few decisions about what is next for me,  to get a little organization in my life and get back to the things I love like writing and reading.  I swear both of those are more difficult for me then they have ever been.  My concentration level is just shot.

I may need a med increase.  I will check into that after I am back on track with my diet habits.  But sometimes when the weather changes and the stress is greater I ask for a temporary med change to battle the blues.

Well it’s time to go.  Life is calling once again.  Places to go, people to take care of and of course decisions to be made.  Take Care Now.

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2018: A Rocky Start

Well I don’t know about you all but 2018 appears to be off to a rocky start.  My brother is in the hospital.  Misunderstandings are leading to hurt feelings at hone.  Work never stops being difficult. I am just tired.

I have the opportunity to take a second job a couple of midnights a week.  Good money  and I am considering it.  An extra $200 a week  would help get me caught up and I could pay off my car and pay more on my taxes. Something to think about.

We did get all the Christmas decorations put away.  The house looks a little bear but that’s ok.

Going to do purging and organizing over the next couple of months.  There are some things that haven’t been used in years that someone else could probably use.  Donation time.

Well back to work.  One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to blog once a week.  We can discuss the other items another day.  Goodnight friends.

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Please Have A Cookie.

Good Christmas Eve Morning.  I am currently at work.  I have been here since 6am but my mind is at home where in just a few hours we will be having our Christmas Dinner.

The last couple of days have been stressful and fun at the same time. I did a lot of things I haven’t done in many years.  I Christmas shopped for gifts and wrapped presents.  In the last five years or so I just did gift cards.  My wrapping skills have actually improved.

And man did we make cookies!  I mean a ton of them.  Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter Blossoms, Snowballs, Thumbprints, Chocolate Kringles, Sugar Cookies and Jam Bow Ties.

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Also yesterday  was my baby Libby’s 1st. Birthday.  She had her own birthday cake and whatever fell on the floor while making cookies.  She is still an excitable pup, but she is getting better everyday.

Well I have paperwork to do before I leave.  Looking forward to seeing my family for dinner.  And if I don’t get back until after. MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIENDS!

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My Winter Wonderland

I am sitting at work looking out the window at my very own Winter Wonderland.  It’s the most beautiful sight.

Inside the house we are comfortable and watching Christmas specials.  We have nine days until Christmas or in my family’s case eight days to our celebration.

I can’t lie I am feeling it this year.  Christmas cards are done.  Just need to put the stamps on and put them in the mail

Amazon was such a blessing with Christmas shopping.  Gifts are coming in.  Today I will do a little more wrapping.

I am getting the ingredients for the Christmas cookies a little at a time.  I hope we can start Baking Wednesday.  Mom and I have a gingerbread house to put together.  I think it will be fun.

My Libby has a birthday in seven days!  She will be a year old.  Full of energy, incredibly stubborn and a huge pain in my ass.  But she fills a place that was empty since I lost Tyler.  She will calm down as she ages, but I hope she always is excited to see me when I come home.  Puppy kisses are the best.

Well my friends it’s time to go be productive.  Have a fantastic Saturday!

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Early Morning Blessings

It’s a little before 7AM on Friday morning.  I was just up to pee and let Libby out to pee.  I debated staying up but since I seem to be permanently exhausted I decided to lay back down.

I crawled into my old bed.  The one with the hole in the mattress right where I lay and I smiled. Why?  My mattress.  Bought and paid for by me in 24 not so easy payments.  Lol

I stress a lot about money this time of year.  Pick up ALL  the available shifts and still struggle a bit, but we always make it through.  Laying here in MY bed, listening to my soulmate snore and having my puppy curled up next to me the struggle is worth it.

In the next room curled up with her very favorite furry friend is my very best friend.  Knowing she is here and not alone makes it all worth it.  Getting a morning kiss and a smile makes going to work easier.

I couldn’t imagine not having a family at home.  Without them what would my incentive be?  Each time Lilly jumps on the counter to be petted or Cali curls up on my tummy to watch TV I feel loved.

My eyes are getting heavy and puppy is making me warm and toasty.  So I think I will close now.  I can still sleep two more hours.  Goodnight Friends.

 

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8 Pounds and Scared

Hello again my friends.  Sorry for the delay the crazy hours are winding down and I am thankful for that.  I am not picking up any overtime hours until Saturday in hopes to give my body (which hates me right now) a much-needed break.  So I am being a bit of a hermit.  At work being constantly talked to, yelled at or doing the talking just wears a person out.  If I had a dollar every single time I heard my name my bills would all be paid.

Ok I am guessing you are wondering about the title of this post.  Well it is what I have come to understand is happening in my life right now.  I am a prime example of an emotional eater.  I eat when happy, sad, angry confused or because its Thursday.  I am a food soother.  I also know that I am out of control.

I have been avoiding stepping on the scale for several weeks and I have not been logging my meals as I should.  I KNEW the whole time I was fucking up, but I didn’t want to deal with it.  So yesterday I stepped on the scale and I have gained 8 pounds.  Now there was a time an 8 pound gain would have been nothing, but after surgery an 8 pound gain over a couple of months is a huge deal.

Ok so now I have the number and now I just have to figure out the why.  There is always at least one big why and probably several small ones.  The big one is the changing of the job is coming up fast and to be honest I am scared.  The what if’s are killing me.  What if I suck at the job?  What if I hate it?  What if I can’t get the overtime I need?  What if David’s surgery doesn’t go well and he needs care?  New jobs don’t give a flying fuck.  What if I am not the best anymore?

See I told you there was a lot going on in my head.  So as I laid resting which I have been doing a lot lately to catch up and my little mind went on swirling I thought of a couple of things.  There are two affirmations I plan to post where I can see them.  1) You are a strong, beautiful and intelligent woman. You deserve good things.  2) You are scared. Own it! Don’t eat it!   Just writing them out gave me a little boost and a smile.

And finally I told myself to stop worrying about the big picture.  Sign up for the test, get back on the program and go one day at time.  Worry about what the doctors say until they say it.  Worry about the two weeks notice closer to the two weeks and for crying out loud remember I am just one lady.  Not Wonder Woman.

Ok friends it’s time to go do this one day at a time stuff.  Have a great day and I will visit again soon.

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Beyond Busy

Hi my friends.  Sorry it’s been a while.  I am working a lot of strange hours.  It’s a hard time right now with my boss on vacation, one staff on maternity leave and a few other changes.   But here is a picture of one of the blessings that is coming from this mess

 

This is Amina (I don’t know if that is how her name is spelled) she is a little love.

Along with work I have been doing a little shopping.  Some stuff to make my bedroom more comfortable and a new winter coat.  I actually was going to buy the black one, but I accidentally ordered the cranberry.  Which I love!  A very happy accident!

I am counting down the days (64) until I switch jobs.  I may have to try several different places, but I am confident I will find a new work family.

Two more days until Halloween and it’s my first Halloween in a long time that I haven’t been home to celebrate with my family.  I am a tad disappointed.  This is my special holiday.  I am praying with the new career this will be the last one I miss for a while.

Well this is short and sweet, but it’s back to work for me.  Eight more days of double duty and then back to “normal”. Have a fantastic Sunday friends.

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Working Weekend

Goooood morning.  It’s a working weekend, but in my time as a working adult pretty much every weekend has been a working weekend.  This weekend just seems  different because I haven’t worked this week because I am in school.   I have been able to get caught up on some much needed rest.  My back and my knee are both thanking me.  I got to work at 2:30pm and work until 12am.  Then off until 6am where I start the fun all over again.

Classes are going pretty good.  I missed one on the exam, because I didn’t read the question right.  That really pissed me off because I was the one to yell out the right answer during exam prep.  So the next exam is on Monday and I will remind myself slow down, read the whole question and double-check my answers.

I still have a problem with flicking my fingers when washing my hands.  Which is a huge no no.  So my Momma said think of yourself as swan and brush the water off your feathers.  Sounds so silly, but it actually works.  I even told my instructor and classmates about it.  They looked at me like I am nuts, but I bet someone else remembers it that way too.

My instructor says I have the makings of a good CNA but I really do need to start working on having a censor.  Holding my tongue, not cussing will be my biggest challenges.

Well it’s time to go shower and get ready for work.  Have a great day my friends.  It’s supposed to be a hot one here in Michigan.

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