So tonight I get home and manage to get my butt in bed a reasonable time. I look at the clock and say to myself cool I can get eight and a half hours sleep. I pass out. Wake up a couple of hours later because I have gotten warm. That of course leads me to have to pee. I pee and lay back down. I toss and turn in my bed. I sit up and play some games on my tablet. Try to fall back to sleep. Nope.
So here it is 4:30 AM and I am still awake. Don’t get me wrong, I have accomplished some things. I did some banking, ordered a pair of earrings and finally ordered the photos of my nephew and his family. I have also had 12oz of decaf coffee and mixed it with a vanilla protein shake so I don’t inhale the whole fucking fridge.
Tomorrow I take my Little Darlings to see their new home and I start shopping around for a moving company. It’s also nail and bill paying day. I really want to get my eyebrows and hair done but that may have to wait for another day.
My nieces going away party is Saturday. I will go because she needs a proper send off, but the way I am feeling right now it’s going to take a bit of work to be sociable. I am just so fucking exhausted I just don’t even want to talk right now. Just nod to people.
Well my baby is curled up on the floor sound asleep so I am thinking I should get us both tucked back into bed. I can get another three hours of sleep. Good night friends and sweet dreams.
Or that is what one guy called me at the gas station. He was heading in as I was heading out and he just let the door close on me. His friend caught the door and held it for me. The guy said, “What? I don’t hold the door for Cows.”
Now there was a time when such ignorance would have made me so angry that I would have tore that kid a new asshole. But when I look at the world around me such ignorance is just becoming a regular occurance. It’s not even worth my time to waste my breath on a kid like that.
Besides Cow…how is that any different then Bitch, Cunt, Twatwaffle, Whore, Slut or the other thousand names I have been called over the years? When someone calls me a bitch I say thank you. So why give Cow a second thought? But I did give it a second thought and a third. And by the fourth thought I started to smile. Cow. Laugh a bit even. Because that means I am strong and people want to eat me. How fitting is that. Lol See I can turn anything into a dirty joke with a silver lining.
I have two thoughts… My first thought is this kid is going to get his due Karma. My other thought is one day this kid is going to call someone else a cow and get the living snot beat out of him. Either way I am good with it. Lol
So I am a Cow. Moo. LOL
I am by no means a graceful woman. But since I have lost over a hundred pounds I am getting better. But this morning while walking one of my residents into workshop I caught my foot in the door and down I went.
Which hurt like a son of a bitch. But the cool part was in the past I would have needed a chair, two people and a crane to get off the floor. This time I just crawled to the wall and worked my way up. Woo hoo! A small victory in the weight loss journey.
Thankfully other than two sore knees and one sore shoulder I am good. I am taking it easy today and my coworker is pulling up my slack (thank you Krishelle).
Well hopefully I can stay upright for a while. Avoid any closing doors and floors. Wish me luck.
Hello my friends. Been a while, but here I am. 7AM and awake when I really should be sleeping.
I am a worrier. I am very good at it. I am an emotional eater. I am very good at that too. These two things feed off each other (pardon the pun) making me eat and have more anxiety.
A couple of weeks ago someone I work with had a family emergency and she needs more time to help out. This person has been fantastic to me over the years so I offered to help.
Call it fate or answered prayers but I had recently decided I was tired of the bills looming and the wolf knocking at my door. The anxiety of the what ifs was killing me. I literally have nothing in case we have an emergency. I can’t live like that.
So I am currently in machine mode. Which means I am working all that I can and I will will continue to do so for as long as it takes to get things paid off and a little money in the bank.
Yes I am tired. Yes many days I just want to say fuck it and run away from my problems, but as we know problems have a way of Finding us.
So bear with me my friends. It’s not easy but I will do my best to not be a total fuck wad in the process.
Dancing, drinking, eating, and sex. These are the ways that many individuals deal with depression and the blues. For me it’s eating and Netflix marathons. Sometimes it takes several of these sessions to get back to where I can function like a relatively normal human being. I am not there yet, but I am closer.
I have a vacation coming up in five days. A vacation where the plan is to find out who the fuck I am. Make a few decisions about what is next for me, to get a little organization in my life and get back to the things I love like writing and reading. I swear both of those are more difficult for me then they have ever been. My concentration level is just shot.
I may need a med increase. I will check into that after I am back on track with my diet habits. But sometimes when the weather changes and the stress is greater I ask for a temporary med change to battle the blues.
Well it’s time to go. Life is calling once again. Places to go, people to take care of and of course decisions to be made. Take Care Now.
Well I don’t know about you all but 2018 appears to be off to a rocky start. My brother is in the hospital. Misunderstandings are leading to hurt feelings at hone. Work never stops being difficult. I am just tired.
I have the opportunity to take a second job a couple of midnights a week. Good money and I am considering it. An extra $200 a week would help get me caught up and I could pay off my car and pay more on my taxes. Something to think about.
We did get all the Christmas decorations put away. The house looks a little bear but that’s ok.
Going to do purging and organizing over the next couple of months. There are some things that haven’t been used in years that someone else could probably use. Donation time.
Well back to work. One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to blog once a week. We can discuss the other items another day. Goodnight friends.
Good Christmas Eve Morning. I am currently at work. I have been here since 6am but my mind is at home where in just a few hours we will be having our Christmas Dinner.
The last couple of days have been stressful and fun at the same time. I did a lot of things I haven’t done in many years. I Christmas shopped for gifts and wrapped presents. In the last five years or so I just did gift cards. My wrapping skills have actually improved.
And man did we make cookies! I mean a ton of them. Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter Blossoms, Snowballs, Thumbprints, Chocolate Kringles, Sugar Cookies and Jam Bow Ties.
Also yesterday was my baby Libby’s 1st. Birthday. She had her own birthday cake and whatever fell on the floor while making cookies. She is still an excitable pup, but she is getting better everyday.
Well I have paperwork to do before I leave. Looking forward to seeing my family for dinner. And if I don’t get back until after. MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIENDS!
I am sitting at work looking out the window at my very own Winter Wonderland. It’s the most beautiful sight.
Inside the house we are comfortable and watching Christmas specials. We have nine days until Christmas or in my family’s case eight days to our celebration.
I can’t lie I am feeling it this year. Christmas cards are done. Just need to put the stamps on and put them in the mail
Amazon was such a blessing with Christmas shopping. Gifts are coming in. Today I will do a little more wrapping.
I am getting the ingredients for the Christmas cookies a little at a time. I hope we can start Baking Wednesday. Mom and I have a gingerbread house to put together. I think it will be fun.
My Libby has a birthday in seven days! She will be a year old. Full of energy, incredibly stubborn and a huge pain in my ass. But she fills a place that was empty since I lost Tyler. She will calm down as she ages, but I hope she always is excited to see me when I come home. Puppy kisses are the best.
Well my friends it’s time to go be productive. Have a fantastic Saturday!
It’s a little before 7AM on Friday morning. I was just up to pee and let Libby out to pee. I debated staying up but since I seem to be permanently exhausted I decided to lay back down.
I crawled into my old bed. The one with the hole in the mattress right where I lay and I smiled. Why? My mattress. Bought and paid for by me in 24 not so easy payments. Lol
I stress a lot about money this time of year. Pick up ALL the available shifts and still struggle a bit, but we always make it through. Laying here in MY bed, listening to my soulmate snore and having my puppy curled up next to me the struggle is worth it.
In the next room curled up with her very favorite furry friend is my very best friend. Knowing she is here and not alone makes it all worth it. Getting a morning kiss and a smile makes going to work easier.
I couldn’t imagine not having a family at home. Without them what would my incentive be? Each time Lilly jumps on the counter to be petted or Cali curls up on my tummy to watch TV I feel loved.
My eyes are getting heavy and puppy is making me warm and toasty. So I think I will close now. I can still sleep two more hours. Goodnight Friends.
Hello again my friends. Sorry for the delay the crazy hours are winding down and I am thankful for that. I am not picking up any overtime hours until Saturday in hopes to give my body (which hates me right now) a much-needed break. So I am being a bit of a hermit. At work being constantly talked to, yelled at or doing the talking just wears a person out. If I had a dollar every single time I heard my name my bills would all be paid.
Ok I am guessing you are wondering about the title of this post. Well it is what I have come to understand is happening in my life right now. I am a prime example of an emotional eater. I eat when happy, sad, angry confused or because its Thursday. I am a food soother. I also know that I am out of control.
I have been avoiding stepping on the scale for several weeks and I have not been logging my meals as I should. I KNEW the whole time I was fucking up, but I didn’t want to deal with it. So yesterday I stepped on the scale and I have gained 8 pounds. Now there was a time an 8 pound gain would have been nothing, but after surgery an 8 pound gain over a couple of months is a huge deal.
Ok so now I have the number and now I just have to figure out the why. There is always at least one big why and probably several small ones. The big one is the changing of the job is coming up fast and to be honest I am scared. The what if’s are killing me. What if I suck at the job? What if I hate it? What if I can’t get the overtime I need? What if David’s surgery doesn’t go well and he needs care? New jobs don’t give a flying fuck. What if I am not the best anymore?
See I told you there was a lot going on in my head. So as I laid resting which I have been doing a lot lately to catch up and my little mind went on swirling I thought of a couple of things. There are two affirmations I plan to post where I can see them. 1) You are a strong, beautiful and intelligent woman. You deserve good things. 2) You are scared. Own it! Don’t eat it! Just writing them out gave me a little boost and a smile.
And finally I told myself to stop worrying about the big picture. Sign up for the test, get back on the program and go one day at time. Worry about what the doctors say until they say it. Worry about the two weeks notice closer to the two weeks and for crying out loud remember I am just one lady. Not Wonder Woman.
Ok friends it’s time to go do this one day at a time stuff. Have a great day and I will visit again soon.